I used to hate this day. I found it one of the hardest of the year and I am not alone in this. For survivors of abuse, V day is a reminder of something we didn't or don't have, Love. For me, It was a reminder that I didn't have the 'love' that everyone else around me appeared to have. It reaffirmed what I didn't have. That can be a really hard thing when everything around you all day is grandiose acts of romance and love. Not easy right? and if you are reading this thinking, ahh this is how I feel! then you are not alone. The run up this day used to give me such anxiety, I knew I would have to really sit with my insecurities and I I felt completely and wholly unworthy of love. I remember always looking longingly at couples holding hands and going off for romantic dates, celebrating the day dedicated to Love. I would sit on the tube and see people carrying bouquets of flowers, secretly hoping I would have a surprise delivery. Or even a text from my abuser. This never came. but in reality I knew that no amount of flowers or chocolate would make up for what I really wanted, which was to feel safe. In fact, for ages flowers and gifts were a sad reminder to me of when my abuser would give me these as a way of 'apologising' for the abuse.
Here's the other thing with my abuser on V day. I wouldn't even get an acknowledgment on the day, often I would be purposefully ignored and if I would be upset at the lack of acknowledgement, this would lead to aggression and often horrible scenes of anger. This was usually prefaced with me asking If we could do something together, I would be ignored or told 'it's just a stupid day'.
It wasn't until 3 years ago where I experienced my first valentines and I know this all probably sounds crazy, and I know it is just a day.. but for me it was a realisation and a complete slap in the face of what I didn't have. That I didn't have normal. That I would never experience the love and romance everyone else got. More so, looking back now, it's genuinely not about the day. It's that in any healthy relationship, it's about creating memories, showing compassion, empathy and love. It's celebrating days you think are silly, but your other half really loves! or going to see that movie you absolutely hate because you know the person you love, loves it! That's what the day is to me. It's what I always aspired to have and the dream that one day, I would have the 'normal, healthy love'
It's so incredibly sad thinking back to this young girl. Today I sit here, so in love, happy, content and knowing I deserve all the happiness that is now in my life. Looking back to my younger self, I want to hold her really tight and tell her it will work out ok. Tell her that the only love she needs is that old cliché 'self-love'. But she had to go through that pain to realise her worth and learn to love herself. Now I sit here with a partner who makes me feel like it’s V day everyday (I know!🙂) and what is the most beautiful is that the day doesn't even matter to me anymore, because I am so completely head over heels secure, safe and in love- with myself! So, what am I doing today? I am cooking my favourite food, on my own, watching my favourite show and smiling at the gorgeous flowers I bought myself from the flower market on the weekend. Thinking how bloody happy I am I had the courage to learn to love myself once and for all. And do you know what? valentines will forever more be about just that. Me, myself and I. I realised I had the power to redefine moments and days for myself so that they no longer haunted me. So this will always be a love day for me. Because there is no better feeling than what I feel now and no better feeling than self-love.
Happy Valentines❤️ especially to those who are struggling today. I see you x
