I never thought it was rape. That word never crossed my mind. Rape is brutal, painful. Rape is traumatising. What happened to me wasn't really any of those things. It wasn't really much at all. And that's how I framed it for 6 years. Just this sort of not-so-great thing that happened to me but didn't really need to take up much space in my mind. That is until I mentioned it to my new therapist.
We were on the topic of relationships. I've not had much luck with them. I tend to find myself with men who like the idea of me, but get cold feet the moment I show any form of emotion. I'm quite into travelling, love being spontaneous and have a very creative mind. All things that men seem to find utterly fascinating. But then, like every person alive, I'm also anxious, emotional, get worried and need support sometimes. But I've never managed to meet someone who is mature enough to want the whole package. For a long time, I thought it was me. I was too much; too big, too emotional, too loud. Or I wasn't enough; wasn't skinny enough, carefree enough, fun enough. I'm slowly starting to realise that none of this is true, but it's a slow journey.
We then got onto the topic of ex-partners. Much like Goldilocks, one was manipulative, one was emotionally abusive and one was just right. I wanted to bring up one particular evening that I shared with the emotionally abusive one. He worked at a pub so would finish around 1 am. One evening, I met him at work and we went back to his place. It was pretty late, so I asked if we could head straight to bed. He wasn't ready to go to sleep yet so he stayed up, had a few drinks and watched a movie. The next thing I know, I'm being woken up by him attempting to have sex with me. At 6 in the morning. He hadn't gone to bed yet and he decided now would be a great time to have sex. As I woke up, I became aware of what was happening. It didn't feel good; I was really tired and not totally on board with the whole experience. But I let him carry on. Once he'd finished, I remember turning over, looking at the time and joking about how early it was. He said nothing.
For a long time, I didn't think anything of it. He was my boyfriend, he wanted to have sex, that's just what happens.
Then, around the time of the Me Too movement, I realised that being woken up with someone trying to have sex with you doesn't equal consent.
But it was my new therapist who used the R word. She sat there, listened to the whole story and said
"Yes, this is classed as rape. I'm so sorry that happened to you".
No! Me? Raped?! No way! But he was my boyfriend! It was cool, I let him do it. I tried my hardest to rationalise it all again in my head. But she repeated. "It doesn't matter whether you allowed it to happen or even if you enjoyed it, he didn't ask your permission to have sex with you and he couldn't have because you were unconscious. That is rape."
And that's the cold, hard truth. He didn't ask my permission to have sex with me. He used my body for his own gratification against my knowledge. Whether I decided to make him stop or not isn't important.
Coming to terms with this feels like it will take some time. My first reactions have been sadness, anger and acceptance. Realising that rape isn't always how it's represented in the movies (it absolutely can be and I feel gutwrenching pain for those who have experienced it). That rapists aren't faceless men who don't know you. They are often the people we love the most. But also, that rape doesn't have to be such a scary word that takes ownership of you.
I feel immeasurable gratitude for this community to give me the strength to share my story. The burden already feels like it is lifting. I've gone on to live the most incredible life since it happened. Have been in new relationships, made new friends, even adopted a rescue dog! My life will not be defined by that moment.
I hope that by sharing my story, other women who have had similar experiences are able to see that it isn't ok. I know that this can be a fantasy for some people, but strict boundaries need to be put in place in order for it to be safe. As much as I wish I didn't ever go through this experience, I am truly so proud of the person I am today and the lessons I've learned. I hope one day I will be able to meet someone who wants to be with all of me but until then I will continue to flourish.
