On April 2019 I was raped in my own bedroom by my ex boyfriend, he sexually assaulted me on two other occasions, months previously. Even though we weren’t together when the assaults happened he used to tell me he loved me. On that day in April even though I liked him and thought he loved me, I let him over to my house as a friend. I was 15. I gave him a hug that day when he was talking about personal things and I was later raped by him on my own bed. When he left I felt like I was dirty and told no one. I started to struggle with my mental health and started to shower myself a couple of times a day. I started to care less about my room, I stopped going to school. Here in Ireland we have the Junior Cert in 3rd year which is a state exam. I was being harassed with messages by his friends and he put stuff on social media about me. Every time I left my house I was having a panic attack and I couldn’t even go out the front door. I was attending public mental health services due to 9 years of bullying and I was already getting no support off them for that, so I never told them about what happened. I blocked it out even though I was unable to sleep, I was getting flashbacks and also developed chronic pain with persistent nightmares. I had multiple suicide attempts and started self harming. At this time, I was doing Hypnosis with a private therapist and I was now 16. It was through this that I also reported it. I was later diagnosed when I was 17 with anxiety, depression and post traumatic stress disorder. I didn’t finish secondary school , neither did I do my leaving cert. October this year aged 18, I found out that the DPP made a decision on the case, which was he wouldn’t be prosecuted due to lack of evidence.
I’m still trying to heal from this decision. I’m still dealing with PTSD and daily chronic pain. I also take medication such as antidepressants and medication to help me sleep but I started to realise that it doesn’t make me weak. I’m still in therapy weekly and sometimes I do believe I should be fully healed now but I have to remind myself that healing takes time and I’m on the road to healing. I went back to education in September to an applied Social Studies course. This course is for a year and I thankfully needed no previous education experience. I hope to get into college next year to study psychology, I want to one day be a psychologist. I’m now able to leave my house on my own and I do at times feel nervous but the main thing is looking back there was a time when I wasn’t able to do that. I am now In a relationship with a very supportive boyfriend, I finally see what love really is. I used to feel like I was broken but now the way I look at myself is I’m building myself back together piece by piece. I have learnt that I have power over my life and that I can only take control of my own happiness. The shame of what happened to me was never mine to carry, the shame is for my attacker to carry.
